*ENLIST IN THE ARMY OF BAG HOLDERS*
Forged in the fires of Wall Street and blessed by the ghost of George Washington himself. More American than apple pie riding an eagle.
Every bald eagle in America personally endorses $UNCLE. They literally told us during a dream sequence involving freedom and hamburgers.
Uncle Sam personally guarantees that your money will disappear faster than student loan forgiveness. It's the American way!
Your portfolio will explode like fireworks on the 4th of July! (Results may vary, explosions not guaranteed to be upward.)
Give us your tired, your poor, your money yearning to be free... from your wallet. Lady Liberty demands your sacrifice!
Every transaction comes with a side of freedom and a large order of financial regret. Super-size your losses for America!
THE REVOLUTION STARTS WITH YOUR WALLET